Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in Vibecrewangel / Phitius' LiveJournal:

Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
2:36 pm	My Sunday Migraine Experience It appears that my usual run-of-the-mill variety migraines have been upgraded to Basilar migraines. When migraine affects the circulation in back of the brain or neck, it can cause Basilar Migraine or Bickerstaff's Syndrome. It occurs most frequently in young women. Dizziness, double vision, loss of balance, confusion, slurred speech, fainting and disorientation can occur. During the acute headache, some lose consciousness. I have always had visual symptoms with little pain. Often a mild case of vertigo will accompany my migraine. Lately I have been having more frequent migraines and have found myself dizzy even when I’m not experiencing other symptoms. I hadn’t really thought much of it. Oh how I wish I had. The Sunday migraine was a doozy. The actual headache didn’t kick in until I was at the hospital and had been pumped full of meds. What I was experiencing up until then was vertigo so strong I thought I was on a carnival ride that wouldn’t stop. When I did have moments where the spinning slowed enough for me to try and explain what was going on it felt like my head was being pressed in a vise. No pain, but I couldn’t focus and it felt like my eyes were going to pop out of my head. Then I would be whipped away again on another whirlwind of confusion that became a loss of consciousness. Of course I made the whole thing worse by succumbing to a panic attack. Now I get to take actual migraine meds. Which, according to my doctor I should have been on months ago when the dizziness was becoming a regular problem. So I wanted to send out a huge thank you to those that helped me through that nightmare. And to let those of you who know what happened but who weren’t there know that all is well and I’m doing fine. I think I’m going to blame this one on the Coffee Garden food. ;) (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 25th, 2006
8:11 pm	Well how about that http://www.indianz.com/News/2006/013061.asp (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
1:17 pm	Focus on your long-term goal. Good things will soon happen. I ask the universe for signs. For guidance through this often confusing thing called existence. Sometimes they are vague horoscope-esque signs. Other times they are painful black-eye inducing comedy of error moments. Most of the time they are pretty direct. Or maybe they just seem direct since I'm looking for them. Maybe they don't exist at all and I'm just interpreting things through the filter of my request. Whatever they may be I keep asking for them. And the signs keep coming. For the last few years I've been tossing around the idea of going to school. It's been a difficult decision for me. I don't know if I can do it. The time. The classes. The stress. I have enough trouble going to the classes I enjoy. And there I was facing the very real possibility that I would be putting in a lot of time in classes I didn't even want to think about. I've started to register more than once but didn't go through with it. Then the offer came. A math tutor. Someone I both like and trust. Suddenly some of those classes were a little less daunting. Was this a sign? Or just a happy coincidence? I started looking into grants, scholarships and what Stanford would cover. I won't be going broke if I go back to school. So now the decision is made. I'm going to register in the fall. I'm scared. Scared of failure. But even more afraid of success. Failure is easy. Failure doesn't take much effort. It is, in its own way, a win. Succeeding at failure........a hollow victory. Over the weekend I asked the universe not for help making the decision, that was done. But for little signs to remind me that it's possible. That it is time for me to do this. I asked for little pebbles to lead me along this path. To give me those little nudges I will need from time to time. And they come. Words of wisdom found in a small folded cookie. "Focus on your long-term goal. Good things will soon happen." Can't get much more direct than that. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, March 3rd, 2006
11:49 pm	The Proust Questions What is your idea of perfect happiness? Being at peace with myself What is your current state of mind? Depressed yet oddly empty What is your greatest fear? Never being able to fully let go What is your favorite way of spending time? Contemplating the Universe. Iceberg after iceberg. Which living person do you most admire? Dalai Lama Which historical figure do you most identify with? Marquise de Sade Who are your favorite fictional heroes? Those who stand even when they know they will fall Who are your heroes in real life? My grandmother, Melina, Dorie, my dad Who are your favorite writers? Clive Barker, Dalai Lama, Rumi, Robert McCammon Who are your favorite composers? Mozart Who are your favorite musicians? Rammstein, Goa Gil, The London Seude, Propellerheads, David Byrn, Ben Harper, Cirque du Soleil Who are your favorite filmmakers? I don’t even pay attention to this. Who are your favorite actors? It changes so much I don’t keep track Who are your favorite actresses? Same as with actors What was the last book you read Me Write Book; It Bigfoot Memoir (Santa is Fat Pandering Bastard) What book are you reading now? Wicked. The Universe in a Single Atom. What is your most treasured possession? I never say it for fear I’ll lose it Who or what is the greatest love of your life? My spirituality When and where were you happiest? I honestly don’t know What are the traits you most deplore in yourself? Anger, envy, gossip, chatty What are the traits you most dislike in others? Anger, envy, gossip, chatty What are your greatest extravagances? Organic food. Shoes. What are your drugs of choice? Cid, Elaine, Sherman, Balloons What is your favorite journey? The one with no destination What do you most dislike about your appearance? My size. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Abstinence On what occasion do you lie? When I can’t speak the truth What is your greatest regret? The last words I said to her were “I never want to speak to you again” Which words or phrases do you most overuse? Actually What is your favorite swear word? Fuck If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? To know what I want, and have the drive to get it If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be? I could choose them What do you consider your greatest achievement so far? I survived. What would you regard as the lowest depths of misery? Hurting the ones you love Where would you like to live? Maui or Australia What are the qualities you most admire in a man? Honesty and a lot of kink What are the qualities you most admire in a woman? Honesty and a lot of kink What is it you most dislike? Understanding just how horrible people can be What living person do you most despise? How can it be anyone but me? What is your biggest everyday pet peeve? Drivers What do you value most in your friends? They put up with me when I would have told me to take a hike How would you like to die? Knowing that I touched at least one life If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be? The dream Who have been the greatest influences on you? Much as I hate to admit it, my mother. What is your motto? Breath in. Breath out. Get over it. What talent would you most like to have? Carry a tune (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 23rd, 2006
11:13 am	Monday Again Lil sis has gone back to CO. I miss her already. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 19th, 2006
11:26 pm	My sister is sleeping downstairs My little sister is sleeping downstairs. It’s so odd having her here. Having her in my house. She’s amazing. I’m having trouble putting into words all the things I feel when she is here. So many emotions all tied together. I’m proud of her for all that she has become. For all that she is doing. Her art. The Buddhist school. Her connection with…..everything, I’m also envious. For all of the same things….and because nana talks to her. Tells her the things she has never told me. I’ve never felt a deep connection to my family and seeing how things are it’s starting to make sense. I had a different set of rules. A different set of expectations. I was asked to move out. They weren’t. I give money to my nana. Nana gives money to them. I don’t resent it…..I try not to resent it…..I resent it. My little sister is sleeping downstairs. It’s wonderful seeing the woman she has become. Beautiful. Vibrant. Wise beyond her years. Talented. Kind. Honest. Strong. Full of a passion most only dream of. And I love her for all that she is. All that she was. All that she will become. My sister is sleeping downstairs. And I am crying. My sister is sleeping downstairs. We have so much in common. Some things make sense. Nearly the same vison…toric lense in the left eye. Similar health problems. Others are more interesting. We both turned to Buddhism at the same time. We both love cosmetics (who knew the hippie would be such a product whore). We have a shoe obsession. We have the same bathroom set (what are the odds). We have the same family. My sister is sleeping downstairs. She liked my artwork. Really liked it. She was surprised at my talent. That means more to me then I thought it would. My sister is sleeping downstairs. I wonder what she dreams of. She set up her alter on my table. Seeing family is hard on her too. At least I’m not alone. At least we have each other. My sister is sleeping downstairs. And soon I will be sleeping too. I want to edit this. But I won’t. I don’t want to take away from the truth of these feelings. I don’t want to over-think them. I do that far to much. My sister is sleeping downstairs. I’m glad she is here. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: My sister breathing (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 4th, 2006
10:59 pm	I miss Ron. He made me thin. I made it to the gym today. 9:30 at night and the place was packed. Full of the New-Year-Resolution crowd. January is the worst month for regular gym members. The sad part is you can spot the ones who aren't gong to stick it out. They show up in their crisp new workout clothes and push themselves as hard as possible for about 10 min then wander over to the drink machine or to where the supplements are. I hate watching them fall prey to the coaches who get them to buy hundreds of dollars worth of protein bars and fat burning pills. I want to take them and shake them and tell them to eat real f'n food. To start slow and make small realistic goals. Then I see myself reflected in the mirror and I wonder who would listen to someone who looks like they can't even take their own advice. It's been a rough couple of years for me on the health / weight front. At some point I stopped caring about everything that had to do with me. I tried to pretend that it wasn't the case by painting myself up all the while hiding in some very unflattering clothes. But then I'd catch my reflection in a window and have to look away in disgust. I never thought I'd reach that place again. The one where I couldn't even look at myself without wanting to cry. But there I was. And I had only myself to blame. So I got my own place and I try to keep the junk food out of it. Although the Jack in the Box on the corner is still a weakness. I've been getting to the gym a few times a week. It's strange how hard it is for me to do that. I love working out, I love the way I feel and the way it makes me look. Yet for some reason I have trouble making myself go. I wonder if it's that fear of success thing. Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: Propellerheads - History Repeating (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
11:07 pm	Memeage, as taken from geecat, as taken from Kijeren Two Names You Go By 1. Jessica 2. Phitius Two Parts of Your Heritage 1. Irish 2. Native American Two Things That Scare You 1. Love 2. Success Two of Your Everyday Essentials 1. Lip-gloss 2. Time Outside Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now 1. Pink Panties 2. Grey Tank-top Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists 1. Goa Gil 2. Propellerheads Two Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love) 1. Freak in the sack 2. Respect Two Truths 1. I like being alone way too much 2. I hate being alone way too much Two Physical Things that Appeal to You 1. Face 2. Abs Two of Your Favorite Hobbies 1. Pastel Drawings 2. Writing Two Things You Want Really Badly 1. Enlightenment 2. To go to school Two Places You Want to go on Vacation 1. Sri Lanka 2. Tibet Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die 1. Meet the Dalai Lama 2. Make peace with my family Two Ways that you are stereotypically a Chick/Guy 1. Have you seen my makeup kit? 2. 36 pairs of shoes. I wear 4 on a regular basis. Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit 1. Sometimes I think I might actually be smart 2. Usually I'm sure I'm not Two Things You Are Thinking About Now 1. Upset that I missed Jason's funeral 2. How much my knees hurt Two Stores You Shop At 1. Sephora 2. Macy's Two people I would like to see take this quiz 1. Fenris 2. Angie Two people I haven't talked to in a while 1. Jonno 2. JJ Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Futurama on TV (Comment on this)
11:01 pm	First Entry I said I'd never do this. I always felt these things should be kept private. But lately I've been feeling such a disconnect with the people I care about that this started to seem like a good idea. I may not keep it up....we'll see how goes. Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: Family Guy on TV (2 Comments |Comment on this)